Will Ryder: “Don’t worry boss! It’s fucking dreadful. I dare anyone to come up with something as unoriginal and inane as this!”
Boss: “Say no more! You know where I keep the checkbook. Make it happen!”
And that’s how pieces of shit like “This ain’t Partidge Family XXX” get made. What a bunch of talentless fucking retards. The only people more idiotic than the fuckwads that made this shit are the mouth breathing dumbasses that BUY this garbage. More on them later. For the moment I want to discuss the real cultural criminals here. The jackasses that make this shit.
Will Ryder, who you may know from his previous video excrement “Not The Bradys XXX” and “Not Bewitched”. He’ll also be coasting through the upcoming masterpiece of shit “This ain’t The Munsters”. Ryder, apparently unable to come up with a single original thought, seems to have found his niche. Making XXX versions of shitty TV shows must be incredibly fulfilling. Not only does he shamelessly make these videos, he does it horribly, as well. Take for instance his latest boner suppressing video “This Ain’t The Partidge Family”, He cast the talentless neanderthal Nick Manning as Keith Partidge. Yes, you read that correctly. The muscleheaded Fabio wannabe was cast in the same role that teen idol David Cassidy played in the original. How the fuck does this happen? What was the criteria? I have to imagine that the casting notice read “I’m shooting a terrible remake of a terrible show. Whoever shows up first and puts a costume on gets the role of their choice!” Absolutely disgraceful.
Now, onto the viewers of this garbage. Please tell me what the appeal is. This has got to be porn that appeals to people that hate sex. There is nothing remotely erotic about one of The Munsters fucking?. Do you jack off to this shit? Do you watch it for the entertainment value? Do you watch it with your wife so that she won’t want to fuck you, allowing you to go online and solicit cyber sex from teenage boys? Why do you buy this shit? ANSWER ME! I blame you fucking losers for this. If you refuse to buy this shit, they would stop making it. YOU ARE RUINING PORN! You cannot tell the difference between good and bad. You probably think dining out is a trip through the drive-thru at McDonalds. If you bought one of these DVDs, be assured that I fucking hate you.
More on this horrible abortion of a video and my brief comment here on AVN.Com
This summer was brutally slow for finding new whores to shoot. Now that the colleges are back things are much better. I got a call from a local whore that wants to break into the adult biz. She got my number from a buddy of mine that trolls the clubs/bars near the colleges for good looking whores looking for (what they think is) easy money. Anyway, so dumb college girl calls and wants information. I give her very little of it, but tell her she needs to come in for a test shoot. A test shoot generally consists of the broad coming over and sucking and fucking me on video for exactly $0 American dollars and an opportunbity to suck and fuck other people for (not much) more money. The only day the broad is able to come in to shoot is Sunday. WTF? Everyone knows that Sunday is reserved for watching football. Being a professional, I tell her she can come over but it has to be quick because I have other important things to do. She agrees and I give her the address. This dumb whore actually asks me for directions to the shoot. What the fuck? What am I? Google Earth? I say “Look it up!” and hang up the phone feeling like this broad is going to be nothing but trouble.
Fast forward to Sunday. I’m sitting on my couch watching the retarded Brett Favre get outplayed by some QB whose name I don’t even know. The 1st half is winding down. There’s probably 2:30 left. All of a sudden my buzzer goes off. Nice. The dummy is almost 5 minutes early. I hoped this was not an indication of how the rest of the shoot was going to go. I l let her in.
Me: “Sit on the couch and be quiet until I’m ready for you.”
Dummy: “Can I use your bathroom?”
Me: “Please shut up. Talking isn’t being quiet. It’s almost halftime. Stay silent until then.”
Dummy: “Ok. Sorry.” she says. OBVIOUSLY testing ME.
I just glare at her.
The half ends (unfortunately without a career ending injury to Brett Favre.) I tell the whore to go get ready and make it quick. We only have a short window to get this done before the game is back on.
Dummy: “I hope that we don’t have to rush. I want to look good in the video.”
Me: “If you don’t shut your fucking yap and get ready, you’re going to look like a resident of a battered womens shelter giving a blowjob. GO. GET. READY.NOW.”
This broad take almost 7 minutes to get ready to the shoot. Add 3 minutes of me having to yell at her for being unprepared and it’s almost time for the half to end. I decide the only real course of action is to keep the TV on and watch it while we shoot the scene. She comes out of the bathroom and strikes a pose in a matching bra and panty set.
Dummy: “How do I look?”
Me: “Come over here and blow me.”
Dummy: “Does this look good?’
Me: “You really need to just shut up and start sucking my dick. This is porn. Not an audio book. Nobody wants to hear your voice. Get it?”
She starts doing her thing just as the 2nd half starts. Everything is going fine until she gets startled when I jump up and scream “Hit him late! Break his hillbilly spine!” when a defender has Favre cornered in the backfield.
Dummy: “Can we just do this after the game? You seem really distracted.”
Me: “We cannot. If you want to be in this business YOU need to focus. Do you think if you are shooting for VividAlt, They are going to turn off their soap operas or whatever faggy shit they watch because you don’t like it? Deal with it. ”
Dummy: “This isn’t fun at all.”
Me: “When you called ME, did you say ‘Jack, can I come over and have you take me to a carnival and have a great time?’ or did you call ME looking for fucking WORK?
Then the unprofessional douchebag starts crying and jumps up and says that she’s leaving! Just like that! I cannot believe it. I’m fucking pissed that I put up with all her bullshit and now I have nothing to show for it. I jump up and kick her whore suitcase across the floor and tell her to get the fuck out right now. I’m so fucking pissed that I missed almost 5 minutes of the game fighting with this dumb cunt. The idiot left in such a hurry that she forgot her driver’s license and Social Security card, which immediately went into my shredder. Fuck her.
This is another example of me trying to be a nice guy and accomodate a whore and getting paid back with a lack of respect and a whole lot of aggravation. These fucking whores ruin everything.
While going over the video clips from the newest edition to my empire PornAddict.Com, I came across this shoot by Asian whore loser Ayako. This hot but classless pig came to NJ and crashed at my buddies house for a bit. As payment for the bed, Ayako apparently made it her mission to drain every dude that came within 500 yards of the apartment complex. My favorite part of this whole experience though was not the free blowjobs from this skank. it was in between the free BJs watching her try to hustle other fuck jobs because she needed money to get some dental work done! Gotta keep that money maker fixed up. This gizz guzzling idiot would wander around wincing in pain, popping pain pills and complaining until it was time to jam another cock into her maw. It was as if a voice would go off in her empty head saying “ Action!” and the whore would proceed to push the pain out of her simple mind and get the job done like a pro. Once the jizz had dried on her mediocre mug, she would return to being the yappy, complaining whore that she was. Personally, I found her wincing in pain to be quite a turn on. Unlike her looks or personality.
Anyway. Check out her shit at PornAddict.Com . I hear she might be coming back for more video work. Apparently she needs her appendix out. I’ll keep you posted. Until then. I remain.
I’m at the grocery store in the produce section minding my own business (Just buying brocolli. No big deal.)when all of a sudden I almost get knocked on my ass. Some fucking horror show of a whore just fucking barrels into me because her fat cunt of a body can’t fit down an 5 foot aisle. This sets me off because:
a) I don’t like fat people to touch me.
b) I don’t like fat people that have no manners. The fucking pig never even said “Excuse me.” Not that even that would have been acceptable.
c) I don’t like fat people to touch me.
Anyway, I turn to see her waddling away towards what I assume to be the candy or sausage section of the store. I instinctually throw a bunch of brocolli florets at her to get her attention.
Me:”Hey you just walked into me, you fucking mule faced fatty! How about saying “excuse me”, you ignorant cunt.”
Beast on 5k calorie diet: “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.”
Me: “You couldn’t feel your fucking elephant body running into me? I can’t feel my legs since you practically crushed me against the shelving.”
Beast on 5k calorie diet: “Would you please not swear in front of my child. I said I’m sorry!”
Me: “Sorry isn’t going to give me feeling in my legs back.”
Beast of a 5k calorie diet: ” I’m sorry. I’m done talking to you.”
Then the wooley mammoth turns and continues on to search for bacon flavored ice cream.
Me: “Fuck you!”
At this point, I just try to gather myself and get back to shopping despite everyone in the produce department staring at me. I’m sure they are amazed that I’m fighting through the pain to continue on and shop for fresh local produce. The whole place was as silent as a morgue. I finally break the tension and answered the question everyone is thinking.
Me: “I’m fine. I’ll be ok. Don’t worry about me.”
The room still stared at me for a bit but eventually went about their business. I checked out with my groceries and headed to the parking lot. As I get into my car, I see fatzilla and her already morbidly obese child packing what looks to be a tsunami relief size grocery order into their car. I drive by and beep my horn getting their attention. When they look up I give her and her young child the finger and drive off. Satisfied.
A while back I’m in Atlantic City tearing up the craps tables, drinking booze like it was water and not worrying about dealing with whores. All of a sudden my cell phone blows up. It’s one of my best friends from NYC. He’s shooting in AC and we had planned on meeting up later for drinks.
My best buddy: “Jack, I’m in the shit. I need some help.”
Me: “That’s your problem, Pal.”
So, I hang up and get back to my game. Things are staying steady. I’m up about $800. Not killing them but doing ok. Then my buddy shows up at the table and starts blabbering something about his kid and a hospital or something. I tell him to get to the point.
My best buddy: “I have to get back to the city because of an emergency. The problem is that I have a model coming over for a shoot in a half hour. Can you shoot her for me? I’m really kind of fucked if I don’t get this scene tonight.”
Me: “Of course I’ll do it. Do what you have to do.”
My best buddy: “Thanks, Jack. You’re really bailing me out.”
Me: “No prob, dude. It’s gonna be $500 though.”
My best buddy: “Serious?”
Me: “Dead”
My best buddy: “Whatever dude”
Me: “Anytime, buddy!”
So he lays the whole thing out and I head upstairs to shoot this “MILF” as he called her. This Milf was an ancient street whore. She is wearing a silly wig to hide her whore identity. Apparently she is planning a run for congress at some point. Dumb Whore. This fucking skank was so brutally ugly I was worried about my camera lens cracking. What she lacked for in the looks department, she made up for in stupidity. I have no idea what the fuck my buddy was thinking about when he booked her. I think he must shoot for a site called OldSkanksInCostumes.Com.
Anyhow, here is a small clip of that horrible day. I wish I could forget it ever happened. Grab something to throw up in before you hit play.
I get a call this morning from last week’s irresponsible whore gia jordan. “Jack, I wrote my blog post!” I think she was expecting me to stop what I was doing and organize a parade for her because she actually followed through on something (3 days late as it were.)
Me:Too late. You let me down. You let my readers down. You let YOUR fans down. No post. No guest blogging.
Me: You made me look bad. And it takes a lot to make someone as awesome as me look bad.
Irresponsible whore gia jordan: yeah I know. I’ll make it up to you. I just want a shot to write for IHW. PLEASE?
Me: even though I’m annoyed as fuck, I’m going to do it because my readers were looking forward to it (for some odd reason.)
Irresponsible whore gia jordan: Yay! blah blah blah blah
So folks here it is.
The Whore Report with gia jordan
I have never understood the concept of a suitcase pimp. Yesterday, I shot a model who contacted me for photography. Upon arrival, a guy in tons of silver jewelry and a black TapOut shirt with enough rhinestones on it to bedazzle Bulgaria steps out of the car with her. She looks amazing and so does the rate she’s paying me. I greet her warmly and give the superfluous guy a courtesy handshake. We grab her bags and follows us up the elevator and into the shoot. I tell him it was nice meeting him then turn to the model and suggest selecting outfits. He crouches down into the open suitcase and helps her shift through many ziplock bags stuffed with lingerie. “Well, it was nice meeting you,” I reiterate. He doesn’t budge. I tell him this is a closed set. The set being my living room, of course.
The whore looks up. At this point, she is a whore. Though porn people refer to all women as whores and porn girls refer to each other as whores colloquially and just as casual as rappers call each other the n word, my patience says now says differently. The whore says, “He helps me.” Hon, unless he helps you open your mouth for you on the ATM, he isn’t helping you. The whore will ALWAYS defend her suitcase pimp. She believes they are a team.
Allow me to translate whore/suitcase pimp into English.
“He’s my assistant.” = “He picks up his weed that I pay for while I sleep all day.”
“He owns his own business.” = “He doesn’t work.”
“He’s a DJ.” = “I did a scene in exchange for the director’s used turn tables.”
“He’s my webmaster.” = “He’s taken my website from a splash page to a MySpace page in the rapid succession of 7 months!”
Captain and Tennille was a team. You are not a team. It is extremely unprofessional to allow random people on set and does nothing but hinder the whore’s career. When I was a whore, I didn’t come to my boyfriend’s work and watch him type, so why should he come to mine and watch me fuck?
I put on the female charm and bat my eyelashes. “Sweetie, will you do us a big favor a favor and make a Starbucks run for us?” This diversion usually works, especially when I guide them to the Starbucks four Starbucks’ away which takes up even more time due to a series of left hand turns plus street parking. In Gay Town. West Hollywood represent! SP isn’t buying it. He balks and says he always stays for safety reasons. Safety reasons?! I’M A CHICK! Even if I was a guy, guess what, moron? No one wants to fuck with your precious cargo. Porn is a business, and like all businesses, we just want you people gone before Entourage comes on. I inform him on my SP policy. Everyone on my set works. They are either modeling or assisting.
“Ok, That I can do. I’m also a photographer. Hey, are those Kinos?”
“Listen Richard Avedon, you’ll be using this.” I hand him a bucket and mop. He says no way. The whore looks forlorn and heads towards the bathroom. Thankfully, I locked up my Kiehls and Creme de la Mer. My bathroom is like a day spa.
He threatens to high tail it all the way back to San Diego as he points outside to HER white C class Mercedes with rims. HAHAHA! She had to buy the horse for her knight in shining armor.
The whore emerges into the room in her whore gear and calms him down. Something about reminding him that all this content will make her the next Jenna. We have a fabulous shoot and I now have a sparkling clean kitchen floor.
I apologize to Jack Hate and all the readers of IHateWhores.com. I am looking forward to contributing, but let’s face it, without a paycheck, a camera, or cock dangling in front of my face, I’m lazy. That’s part of why I decided to do porn in the first place. Of course, I heart sex, porn and the thought of doing something rebellious, but c’mon. The reality is that it was the easiest job I’ve ever had. My work schedule lately has been more packed than Bristol Palin’s womb and yesterday was my first day off in 8 days, only to be interrupted by my escort friend who needed me to meet her in the Four Season’s lobby at 5pm to collect money owed to her boyfriend. I think he needed another Nascar suit and teeth whitening. I guess you can’t get that stuff with Marlboro Miles.
What was I thinking? I gave a whore a shot at stardom without having to take a cock in the seat and how am I repaid? With a lack of respect. I had a deadline for today’s whore report from gia jordan set for yesterday. Apparently deadline means “I’ll do it when I do it” in whore language. What a fucking disgrace. I woke up this morning after busting my ass yesterday hustling sluts and making deals and all I wanted was to be able to hit the “post” button and get on with my day. Instead I have to come on here and APOLOGIZE for trusting a whore to fulfill a commitment. What is she doing right now that is more important than sitting at the keyboard and sharing her whore perspective on the world around her? Things gia is probably doing right now instead of fulfilling her obligation:
A) Sleeping til noon. Noon is the whore’s version of 7AM.
B) Yelling at her pussy “Go make me some money!”
C) Drinking. To forget. To numb. Sweet sweet avoidance.
D) SHOPPING!
I’m absolutely sickened by this. SICKENED! I should have known better. Oh well. Fuck it. I have some whores to go round up for things they are good at. Swallowing cock.
Ok, this week has been a fucking whirlwind of activity. A very big change from the last couple of weeks when it felt like every whore in the northeast was away on vacation. Now that the schools are back in session my phone has been ringing off the hook with dumb whores looking to suck a dick for text book money. I could not be happier. I met with a couple of dummies yesterday and I think one will be a keeper. The other needs to drag her fat fucking ass to a weight watchers meeting or 5. I have a couple of other whores to meet today and tomorrow. I’ll keep you jerks posted on how they look.
In other news: A few years ago, I financially backed a friend of mine on some projects he was working on. His main one being PornAddict.com . I’m sure you’ve all seen the dude posting in the forum on here. In addition to backing him, I used to send him broads to shoot. They would be either whores I’d already shot or just whores that I was unable to shoot for whatever reason. Well, long story short. I bought all his shit. Every fucking scene this dude shot over like a 5 year period. Naturally since my friend was desperate and in a bind, I lowballed him and got the shit for pennies on the dollar. His loss is my gain. Anyway, you guys will get a chance to see this shit in the coming weeks as I try to figure out what the fuck I want to do with it. I’ll say this, most of these whores are just fucking amateurs that you can’t find anywhere else. Whatever. Anyway, that’s some of the shit that has been taking up my time.
Lastly, As you can imagine I get a ton of mail from:
A) Loudmouth broads that feel the need to complain about my site and how I live my life.
B) Ass kissing semi-homo-whore-saviors, that defend whores and hate what I do (but keep coming back)
C) Whore haters that want to share their experiences etc.
Well,one of the more fucked up things is that I get more mail from a particular whore then anyone else and wisely, she’s a whore-hating whore. She also contributes to the forum. The whore’s name is Gia Jordan and she used to swallow cock for a living. Now she is a professional photographer. Like a good whore, she doesn’t challenge anything i write she just sends along her whore-like perspective. Last week I wrote to her telling her that she better get her shit together because if she is going to continue to bug me with her whoremail everyday then I was going to start publishing it on my site. That led to the idea of letting her guest blog for a day and giving a whore’s view of working alongside these dumbwhores on a regular basis. So … tomorrow brace yourself for a new voice on IHW.
The Whore Report with Gia Jordan. Of course, I’ll also be on here because she certainly will need some fucking guidance as she is still a fucking broad.
As always you fucking opinionated fucks can chime on on the forum as well as emailing me at Jack (at) Ihatewhores.com for all you shy motherfuckers.
The Republican National Convention began last night and the good news for McCain supporters is that he didn’t break his hip wandering around the convention. I cannot for the life of me see why anyone would think this old jackass would be the best choice for President. Every time he answers a tough question from a reporter he looks like he just shit his pants… and he probably DID just shit his pants. This old fruitcake is losing it. If he is elected, he’ll have to be tethered to secret service agents like a little child so he doesn’t wander off. Fucking embarrassment. The fucking dude is 72 fucking years old. I don’t want to drive behind people 72 years old, nevermind have them run my country. Think about the last time you were in line at a store behind a person 70+. How smooth was that transaction. How many times did they ask for the total? How many times did they count their change? How paranoid were they that they were being fucked over? What INTERESTING dialogue did they have with the cashier?
I also don’t understand his campaign crowing about his military service and how that translates into him being better equipped for the Commander in Chief position. Did anyone notice that … HE GOT CAPTURED BY THE ENEMY? How the fuck does that qualify you to be in charge of the military? That would be like saying Michael Jackson would be a great pediatrician because of all his experience working with children. Not a real good plan.
McCain’s biggest decision so far has been to name Sarah Palin as his running mate. WOW. That’s turning out to be a great decision. Apparently he couldn’t get any of the Manson women paroled in time to pick one of them as his running mate. Did he even do a background search on this baby factory? This whore wouldn’t be able to get a date if someone even googled her, nevermind being picked for VP. Way to dig deep, you jerks. She’s shit out so many fucking kids in the last decade that I’m sure her and her family live in a shoe. It looks as though he daughter was born with a lack of muscle in her legs too. The poor girl doesn’t have the strength to keep the fucking things shut. Another baby mill in Alaska. Like momma like daughter.
Anyhow, I just wanted to come on here and wish a crushing defeat on the republicunts. They’ve spent 8 years fucking up this country. Let’s see what the black dude can do.
