I’m back. Not that any of you fucks missed me enough to even ask where I was. THANKS A LOT YOU FUCKING JERKS! I certainly don’t feel like i owe anyone an explaination but I’ll fill you in anyway. Some of you know that I have had occasional run-ins with the law. Recently I was unjustly accused of punching some fucking ASSHOLE in the face (deservedly so) at a bar that I go to on occasion. Without admitting anything I will say that Yes I punched the fucking pussy in his stupid grill. AND yes I had been drinking and on a few pills. BUT this fucking clown was asking for it. No need to get into the details of me kicking him in his face while he was on the ground unconcious but I’ll tell you this much, That fucking jerk is going to say “excuse me” to the next guy he bumps into!

As part of the resolution of my case, I needed to agree to some barbaric conditions in order to avoid jail time. I had to submit to drug testing for 1 month. Totally unreasonable. Luckily I know of some decent masking agents to get around this BULLSHIT! I also had to go to an anger management type class. Ridiculous. That class pissed me off more than the dude I sucker punched. I bit my tongue and got through it though. Twice a week for 2 hours. It felt like it would never end. I had to repeat one of the classes because I “threw a chair”, which is totally misleading. I actually just tossed it lightly it at this chick that just wouldn’t shut her stupid mouth no matter how much I glared at her. I did manage to finish the class though. The last condition was writing an apology to the guy I beat up. This was the easiest part. I just paid a whore I know to write some shit up. Done done and done.

FREEDOM!

While all this shit was going down, I also had some other more serious shit in the works. I signed a deal with a pretty big company that wanted to put out my awesome work. The site will basically feature me shooting amateur whores and initiating them into the industry. I’ve already begun shooting and the results are terrible. Well, my part is fantastic. Of course, I can’t count on anyone else to keep up their end of the bargain. Everyone from my cameraman (idiotboy) Jimmy to the retarded whores that can’t even remember to bring their fucking shoes to the shoot seem to be against me. Somehow I manage to make it work though. I’ll be posting reports on here as well as updating you on all this new shit. I’ll let you all know when the site launches and all that good shit.

Lastly, I still think Nick Manning should hang himself.

Out!

Jack

The dark haired cunt that I met at 8 Minute Dating’s name was Angel. She turned out to be anything but. Here’s the deal. I call the her up on Thursday and tell her that we’re going out on Friday. She starts playing it off like she has some “other” plans already. I tell her that she should immediately delete my number from her phone if she is going to already start playing fucking games. I don’t need that stupid shit. Naturally she tells me she’ll reschedule her phony fucking plans for later. Whatever. She starts giving me some shit about not calling her the day after we met like I had promised. That’s why she made plans.

Me: You are really starting to bring me down with all this talk about my broken promises. Promises are for the weak. I don’t PLAN shit. I just LIVE shit. If you can’t deal with that then hit the fucking road.

Angel the nag: Sorry. I was just saying. It’s not a big deal.

Me: Can we please just fucking move on? where are you taking me tomorrow?

Angel the nag: Well… there’s a loft party I was invited to. We could do that.

Me: Will there be any pussy there?

Angel the nag: What do you mean?

Me: Pussy. Good looking broads. Sluts. Whores. Chicks. Cum Dumpsters.

Angel the nag: I thought this was a date. You and me.

Me: You are awful fucking clingy. We’ve never even been on a fucking date and your putting all these fucking restrictions on me? You are one warped fucking broad. No wonder you have to go to dating events to get a man.

Angel the nag: I just thought we would hang out and get to know each other.

Me: Oh yeah, so that you can try to change me into some fucking zombie dude? No thanks, you creepy fuck.

I just hung up and made myself a gin and tonic and sat down to try to calm down. These broads think they can do anything they fucking want. MEN have trained them this way. “Please control my life because you have a pussy!” Fucking idiots. Not me. I’d rather fuck porn whores the rest of my life than put up with that shit.

I just sat there on my couch getting more and more pissed off and buzzed. I finished what was left of the bottle of Bombay Sapphire. Bored, angry and horny, I decided to call Angel and set things straight.

Me: We got off on the wrong foot earlier. I’m willing to give you another shot to make this right.

Angel the nag: I’m not sure how it got messed up but I’m willing to try again.

Me: Here’s what you are going to do. I want you to come over my apartment to talk right now. Stop on the way and pick up a box of rubbers and a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin.

Angel the nag: um. Ok.

I tell her my address and lay back down on the couch. I accidentally dozed off. When I woke up it was 3 hours later and my cell had 7 missed calls. All of them from Angel (I knew this whore was clingy.) Apparently she came by and rang the buzzer and I didn’t hear it. She waited for awhile until someone let her the building and she came up to my apartment and knocked on the door. I must have slept through that. I must have really been tired. Anyway, the last message she left, she was crying and called ME and asshole. As if I MEANT to fall asleep and miss out on some new pussy. She was nothing but trouble anyway. fuck her.

I never called her back. I knew it would only lead to her being a big disappointment. This is the kind of shit you get when you deal with civilians. They’re all kinda fucked in their own way. The one good thing about the evening was when I went to leave my house on Friday morning, there was a new bottle of gin and a full box of rubbers in front of my door!

My date with an Angel was a complete failure but Saturday’s date with the blonde (Kristina) was just a fucking nightmare. More on that tomorrow.

Out!

Jack

What a fucking week. As you could probably tell, I didn’t have much time to update the blog this past week. I barely found the time to call out that fucking creepy omelette cooking weirdo Porn Dan. I could not let that fucking faggy shit pass without commenting. Anyhow, I have a lot of shit to get to this week. I went out with both those fucking whores from 8 Minute dating this weekend. Both were fucking disasters, as you would imagine from them going to that stupid thing in the first place. If you are a semi-hot piece of ass and you NEED to go shop yourself to strangers at a dating event, there HAS TO BE something really fucked up about you. I’ll get into the dates tomorrow.

 I also spent the last week negotiating with a very large company that want me  to develop some websites for them. Obviously, this companies have the good sense to want to work with me. The fucked up thing is trying to get anything moving faster than a fucking snail’s pace. What the fuck is the hold up on every fucking issue? My past issues with the law have all been resolved, so I can’t see why we need to rehash that stuff at every fucking meeting. I’ve agreed to all the anger management bullshit. LET IT FUCKING GO, YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!!!! This is getting ridiculous. I understand the money we agreed to was quite a bit more than you pay other producers, but you get what you pay for. I’m sure Metallica gets paid a bit more than Los Lobos when they are booked for a show. Quality. It’s all about the quality. Can we please get this fucking shit done so I can get on with my FUCKING LIFE?

In addition to all that bullshit. I think I may be self destructing too. I blacked out Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. Not that blacking out is uncommon for me, but I can’t seem to locate anyone that knows what I did and where I was. I started drinking Saturday morning after my workout. I added a few vicodin into the mix before I went out with the dummy from 8 Minute Dating. The last thing I remember is yelling at her on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant and then waking up about 15 hours later in my place. My phone was smashed off of a wall and I had dried blood on my knuckles. My CC had charges from 3 bars that I have no recollection of going to. One of them was a titty bar. Pretty fucked up. I think I better lay off the booze until late afternoons from now on.

Well there ya have it. You fucking jerks are pretty much caught up to date. I’ll fill you fucks in on my dates tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll be able to give you some news on the business front too.

Out!

Jack

Porno Dan. You Suck.

Good fucking God.

I just read the following on XXXPornTalk.Com

This Wednesday World Renowned Director Jim Powers will be shooting his most romantic movie yet, as Ami Emerson will dine on a 70 man cum omelet. Powers, fresh off his win for producing the couple scene of the year at the iPorn Sexopolis Sunset Strip Awards aid, “I feel inspired to produce something every couple in love should be able to watch together. What better way to spend a romantic night than cuddling on the couch, watching a sweet young girl, eating a 70 man cum omelet.”
blah blah blah
Powers went on a nation wide search to find one man sick and twisted enough to be the chef to cook all the cum. He realized there was only one man out there who us up to the task, “Porno” Dan Leal. Leal stated, “I am truly honored to be given the task of cooking the cum. Guys please come on down and drop a load for this record breaking effort. It’s a great way to make a quick buck, plus I am going to be casting for some new reality sites. This could be your big chance to break into porn.”

blah blah blah

I cannot take another fucking second of this Porno Dan retard. Is there nothing you won’t do for attention? I’ve been meaning to write about how much I fucking loathe you since your birthday party and Sexopolis attention whoring threads on XXXPornTalk. That’s not to say I started hating you then. My hate goes back much further than that. Christ, you are an annoying fucking tool. Please take your ridiculous act elsewhere. It’s been great laughing at you over the years but I think it’s time to move on to someone new. Now you are no longer someone to ridicule for fun, now you’re just making people mad.

I have to address your involvement in hetero porn as it seems like an odd fit for someone as fruity as you. Watching you fuck broads is as out of place as Stephen Hawking auditioning for Dancing With The Stars. What I’m trying to say is … you look like a pickle smoocher. Totally. I mean seriously. Everyone thinks it. Has anyone actually mentioned it to you? Dude, I have fabric softener that is rougher around the edges than you are. Now this cooking the omelette thing. WTF? Nothing slightly gay about standing over a hot stove with a pan full of jizz cooking in front of you? I assume you’ll be wearing an apron to hide your erection. I can totally see you tasting it for seasoning and people gagging while you respond “What’s the big deal? It’s just cum!” I’m seriously disgusted by you.

In addition to what I mention previously, I also hate everything else about you. Specifically, your phony life of the party persona. Your “I love women” schtick. Dan, you love women so much because you practically are one! BTW, you are not an overgrown frat boy. I’m sure the closest you’ve come to being a frat boy was jacking off thinking about frat boys.

Also, your hair is stupid.

Lastly, So is your dumb domain “TheLittlePenisThatCould” it really should be TheLittlePenisThatNeedsAttention”. Get some help, fuckface.

Jack

I realized this weekend that I really haven’t banged a broad that wasn’t a porn whore for months. The more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got. It’s not as though I NEED to bang PWs. I’ve done just fine with civilian pussy over the years. I decided that I needed to get back in the game a bit. It wasn’t the sex that I needed, it was just to stay in practice. I needed a new venue though. Going into a club and picking up a bitch is like shooting fish in a barrel when you have the kind of good looks and charm that I do. I wanted to do this shit one on one. Put myself on the spot. Win a broad over under pressure. That’s why I chose to go to 8 minute dating last night. The concept is that you have a private 8 minutes with every chick in the joint in order to get to know each other.

The event took place in a neighborhood bar not far from my place. The bar fancied itself to be some sort of an Irish pub. Unfortunately they didn’t even have Guiness on tap. Nice Irish pub, jerks. Anyway, I arrive a few minutes early to scope things out. I notice there are already 5 broads sitting there waiting for the shit to start. There was also one dude kind of hanging around by the perimeter. My first instinct was to go and get noticed by the whores. Get them thinking about me. I thought about it for a second and decided the best course of action would be to eliminate the competition. He was kind of average looking and seemed somewhat shy around broads but why risk it. I approached him,

Me: “Hey man, are you here for the dating event?”

Chump: “Yeah. My first time. You?

Me: “I’ve been a bunch of times.” I lied “These broads are tough. They really grill you.”

Chump: “Really? Like what do they ask you?”

Me” Well, I’ll tell you right now the first thing they are going to want to know is what you do for work and how much you make. My guess is they’ll go right for that because of the way you are dressed. They’ll probably think you do something boring. Like an accountant or something.”

Chump:” Actually, I am an accountant. Why is that a problem?”

Me: “No offense pal, but when was the last time you heard a chick say that she needed something new and exciting in her life and an accountant is just the type of free spirit that can give her what she wants?”

Chump: “Well, what do you do?”

Me: “I’m a treasure hunter. I locate historical shipwrecks and bring up their treasures. I donate most of the bounty to museums as I no longer need money.”

Chump:”Oh. I see. And with a job like that why do you need to come to 8 minute dating?”

Me:”I’m constantly travelling. I need to find someone that is ok with seeing the world with me. Someone that is up for the highly taxing lifestyle. Plus, I love meeting new women. I view it the way I view finding a sunken ship. You never know what you are going to find on any given day.”

Chump: “I see.”

Me: “Well, it looks like it’s just you and me today. You never know. There might be a chick that is really into long division here. Good luck, pal.”

Chump:” This might not be my scene. I think I’m going to get going. Have fun though.”

Me: “Good decision. This isn’t the place for you.”

The number jerk leaves and it’s just me and 5 girls. I take my seat and start accessing shit. 2 of the girls are overweight, so they are automatically disqualified. 1 is just fugly looking. and the last 2 look pretty good. One is a blonde, about 26, nice body, good rack and a cute face. The other is kind of a fake alt chick. She has jet black hair and a huge set of tits. She’s dressing kind of funky compared to the other one.

The dude hosting gets up and gives his talk about how this is going to work. He makes a joke about how it’s a bit lopsided with me being the only guy. The girls laugh. I don’t. I’m focused. In the zone. When he is finished he asks if there are any questions. I stand up.

Me: “I’d like to save some time and awkwardness and let the 2 fat chicks and that broad know that I’m not at all interested. You can leave now or we can sit in silence for 8 minutes.”

The fake alt chick laughed for some reason and the rest of the place was kind of quiet. The host just stood there not knowing what to say. Finally after a minute or so the 3 girls I shunned were packing up and slinking away to go eat some fast food or whatever the fuck they do. Time to get going.

The blonde sat down first and began questioning me about this and that. I stopped her and redirected her focus onto something more familiar to her. Herself.

Me: “I think we both know I have my shit together. The question really is ‘Why you? Why should I choose you?’

Blonde whore: “I was thinking that we BOTH had a say in this.”

Me: “Don’t think. Just follow your gut. You know that I’m going to provide the excitement you need in life. You THINK you want security and a nice guy. You KNOW in your heart that you just want to be fucked by someone that knows what the fuck they are doing. You WANT passion. You WANT me.”

Blonde whore: “I don’t know. Maybe I do. I’m not really sure.”

Me: “If you are not sure, get up and get going because I know what the fuck I want and it’s someone that doesn’t sit on the fence. It’s someone that is ready to go for the ride. Hold on tight or get the fuck  going and send the brunette over.”

Blonde whore: (long pause) “Ok. Pick me. I want to go for the ride.”

Me: “Maybe. Times up. Wait over there.”

Blonde whore: “Please.” as she gets up and walks away.”

The black haired whore comes over and sits down. She has a cocky look on her face.

Black haired whore:”First of all, that was freakin funny as hell telling those fatties to leave.”

Me: “I wouldn’t laugh too hard. You were right on the borderline. I just kept you around to make the blonde work for it. What makes you so special?”

She was not expecting this. I could tell it took her out of her comfort zone, which is exactly what I wanted.

Black haired whore:”Well, I’m more fun than her. She looks like a blonde bimbo. I’m interesting. I do a lot of fun stuff.”

Me: “Interesting is a dime a dozen. I can find interesting anywhere. Fuck. I can PRETEND you’re interesting if I want. What else do you have?”

Black haired whore:” I fuck on the first date.”

Me: “I could get her to fuck me in the bathroom right now. Next.”

Black haired whore:” I don’t know. What do you want?”

Me: “Full control. Of you. Starting now.”

Black haired whore:” What? Really? I don’t even know you.”

Me: “You have 3 seconds to decide.”

Black haired whore:”Ok. Ok. I’ll do it. Whatever you want.”

Me:” Fail. Freak. I was just fucking around. get lost. You lose.”

Black haired whore:”but….”

Me: “Bye. See ya.”

She gets up and starts to leave. I tell her to stop and wait for a minute. I call the blonde over and have them both sit down. The event host is still just sitting down watching the whole thing unfold.

Me: “Obviously, you both want to be with me. You both have some qualities I like and some things about you that I fucking hate. I’ve decided I’m going to give you both a chance. I will see each of you once this week and make  a decision based on that date. Give me your numbers and get going. Go home and think of where you want to take me on our date. I’ll call you both tomorrow and set something up.

I thought the night was a success. These broads were as easy to manipulate as regular porn whores but without the banged out pussies. I guess we’ll see how this goes this week. I’ll keep you fuckers posted.

Out!

Jack

I have an addictive personality. I don’t do much in moderation. One of the things I cannot do without is coffee. If I don’t have a large cup of coffee as soon as I wake up, I usually want to kick someone in the cunt immediately upon leaving my crib. Yesterday morning I was out of coffee. Not a good start to the day, though it got better.

I pack up my laptop and head to Starbucks for coffee and to get some work done. As soon as I sit down I notice a whore across the room sitting alone and wearing a shirt with the the top 4 buttons opened and her huge tits practically resting on her bagel. I pick up my shit and move right across from her. After a closer look, I see she is probably early 30s, not a knockout but I’d fucking nail the pig. I started thinking about what horrible shit I could do to her when I realized I must have been staring at her for a few minutes.

Big Titted Whore: “Uh…hello… can I help you with something?”

Me: “I don’t know. I was just noticing your rack hanging out. I like it.”

She seemed kind of startled by my comment (whatever) but laughed. I think she thought I was trying to be funny. Dumb whore.

Big Titted Whore: “Wow. You really say what’s on your mind, huh?”

Me: “I do. You really dress like a whore when you want strangers to stare at you, don’t YOU?”

Big Titted Whore: “OK I’m done. Thanks for playing. I thought you were just being cute.”

Me: “I’m not done until you put your tits back in your Walmart shirt. Then I’LL be done. You can sit there and do whatever dumb shit you were doing.”

Big Titted Whore: “You sure are a rude bastard! I bet you don’t do too well with women.”

Me: “I do just fine and I have the video evidence to prove it.  I would just rather look at and bang dumb broads than listen to you all yap your nonsense.”

Big Titted Whore: “fucking asshole. blah blah blah”

Then she gets up and leaves. Probably to show off her clam in another coffee shop down the road. Coffee Slut.

I don’t get these whores that dress like the filthy sluts they are and expected to be treated with respect and dignity. I struggle with treating ANY BROAD with dignity, nevermind some past-her-prime slut whose self esteem grows with every button she leaves open in her $13 shirt. Seriously, was I wrong in this situation? Would it have been better to talk to her like she was a fucking coy little flirt instead of the horny bitch that clumsily tries to seduce strangers in coffee shops while her kids are in school? I don’t think that kind of charity helps anyone. Fuck her. I hope she learned something today. But I doubt it.

After my coffee, I had a business meeting. Some big shit in the works. You’ll all be the last to know. Especially after one of you guys fucked up my last deal. Forgive and forget? I don’t think so.

Jack

 Crazy fucking night. I was in a fucking shit mood all day on Tuesday and didn’t feel like coming on here and bitching and moaning. I like to keep this shit upbeat. Instead, I decided to do the one thing that can always cheer me up. I went out to drink and use drugs with some civilian friends of mine. All of the guys in the group know what I do. A couple of their girlfriends have no idea that I work in the adult business. Not that I give a fuck if they knew. Anyway… that was the plan.

Before going out, I go to my new gym and try to blow off some steam. I’m still getting used to the place so I was a bit off my game. I had some words with the broad at the front desk almost immediately because she was kind of rude to me as I signed in. I had just asked her what time the blue-hair brigade starts infesting this joint. She got a little pissy with me and said “The senior programs run from 10-12 most mornings but the seniors are welcome here whenever they want to come.” Thank you for filling me in on every aspect of their fucking lives.  Douchebag.

I go in and hit it hard. I want to be in and out of there like a fucking armed robbery. Do my shit and hit the road. After my workout I’m getting changed in this small row of lockers when this fucking jackass comes in and sits on the bench next to me and starts getting shit out of his bag. He couldn’t possibly have used another locker in the PRACTICALLY EMPTY LOCKER ROOM? Not wanting to have another confrontation in my new gym, I just kicked his bag over a couple of feet and stared at him until he moved over. I’m not sure if I like this new joint.

After chilling at home for a while I hit the road to meet my friends. We’re meeting at this small upscale bar a few miles from my house. I’m looking forward to some red wine to go with my vicodin. I go inside and see a couple of my buddies, so i sit down and order a bottle of Fanti Brunello di Montalcino (2002) and got started. We’re in the middle of a conversation when the night goes from fun to AWESOME. My other buddy shows up with his girl and a friend of hers. As soon as my eyes met this friend, i saw a look of fucking terror cross her face. A whore. I had met this pig a few months ago when she answered an ad and came over to shoot. The funny thing was that she never actually shot with me.  Here’s how it played out: The whore answers my ad and is totally into being a porn whore. I meet her for 2 minutes at a Starbucks to make sure she’s not a complete retard and looks half decent. She’s not a 10 but she’s a strong 8. About 26yo, Dark hair, 36C tits , a great ass and not a bad face. Kind of plain in the face but definitely good enough to shoot. She raps to me about how sexual she is and all this shit and how she always wanted to be a porn star blah fucking blah. We set up a shoot for the next day. She shows up with all the shit I tell her to bring and she’s looking even better than the previous day. I’m thinking everything is going nice and smooth until she says “I’m not comfortable fucking you on camera right away. Can we fuck off-camera first so I’m able to relax and let go. Test my limits?” The only thing I could think of to say was “Yep. Ok. We can do that.” I then proceeded to bang this hot little slut for about 3 hours in every fucking way imaginable. There was not a hole left unused. She was absolutely filthy. She told me the most personal fantasies she had. It was fucking great. When we finally finished for the night. it actually hit her what she had just done. The regret set in. She said that she couldn’t shoot porn. That everything was a mistake and she was feeling ashamed blah blah blah. I explained that I like my girls ashamed and shame eventually fades away. She was a friggen basket-case. It made me want to fuck her one more time. She eventually apologized and excused herself. That was the last I saw of her. UNTIL TONIGHT.

My buddy’s dumb girlfriend introduced us and I said “You look very familiar.” She tried to sound relaxed and said “I get that a lot.” I decided to let it go for a bit and let her squirm a bit. I eventually was able to tell my friend the whole story during a trip to the bar. he had a good chuckle and then when we got back to the table he got her attention and silently mouthed the words “I KNOW” and her jaw just dropped. She looked over at me and I just smiled and nodded. I think I saw a tear run down her cheek. It was fucking beautiful. At this point I’m pretty fucking loaded so I decided to drive home before it got too late. I made a big deal about saying goodbye to her and then left. I went directly home and jerked off to her renewed shame.

I hope today is as good of a day for me!

Jack

I went out of town to visit a buddy of mine this weekend. His idea of showing me a good time was taking me to a titty bar. I don’t generally relax and have  a good time at titty bars. I’m usually inpatient and angry. I deal with enough dumb whores when I’m shooting. I don’t need to have them running around like little perfumed rats, trying to hustle me for a few bucks.

Anyway, we go to this club. I think the name of it was “Club Stupidity” or something like that. We walk in and pay the cover charge which was $5.00. Once inside, there is a sign that says “Nude Room $10.” What? What the fuck was the first $5 for? “The Personality Room?” This set me off but I was determined to try to make it out  of there without punching someone. We start up the stairs to the “Nude Room” when everything changed. It was like God was sending me a sign that this weekend was actually going to be OK. As we walk up the stairs, there is a blonde whore walking down talking on her cellphone. She looks over at us and smiles and just as she does, she steps on the bottom of her robe and tumbles down the stairs like a fucking slinky! I don’t think her melon missed a single step. I laughed my balls off! As a few people came running over to help her, me and my buddy took the opportunity to waltz into the nude room for free! Good things happen to good people!

I sit down at a table while my buddy grabs us a couple of drinks. A stripper comes over and starts gabbing with me like I came here for the conversation.

Whore Stripper: “Did you see Brianna fall down the stairs?”

Me: “I don’t know who Brianna is, but I did see some blonde whore take a header a few minutes ago.”

Whore Stripper: “Do you think she’ll be ok?”

Me: “I’m no doctor, but I’d have to say who gives a fuck?’ Why? Is she the only whore here that can dance?”

Whore Stripper: “We’re not whores AND I’m and excellent dancer.”

Me: “How would I know, all you’ve done is talk my fucking ear off for the past 5 minutes. Get your tits out or get gone.”

The fucking dummy gets all huffy and turns and walks away.

Me: “Apparently, I’m not supposed to want to see TITS in a TITTY BAR. So sorry I offended you, Your Majesty!” I yell to her as she stomps off like a little brat.

Just then my buddy returns with the booze. Thank God. we start shooting the shit when a pretty hot whore goes onto one of the side stages. She’s about 5′ 9″ 120lbs and great tits. I walk over for a closer look and as I approach, I notice she has fucking zits on her face. Like 4 of them. Unreal. She sees me approaching and starts doing her stripper smile thingy. I just look at her and point ot her face and say “Nope.” and put my cash back in my pocket. I’ll tip when she invests in some Stridex Pads. I will say this though, the look on her pimply face was priceless when I she realized I wasn’t going to tip her. Her FAKE smile turned into a REAL frown in less than a second. I think I got a little hard from that. I went and sat back down and chilled out and started working on my buzz.

As we sat there, whores would come occasionally come by and try to hustle for dances and drinks. They had no luck with that. We were there for maybe 2 hours when I notice this one whore has been pounding drinks down since we got there. She was a short little Hispanic chick. Not too bad looking. By now she is fucking loaded. I look over at her drunk ass and nod for her to come over and sit with us. She staggers over and sits down and announces that she’s fucked up. (Thanks. We didn’t notice, dip shit.)

Me: “I’d like a dance.”

Drunk Stripper: “Ok, baby. Let’s go to a booth.”

Me: “No. Right here. I don’t want you to dance on me. I want you to dance FOR me. Right here.” as I put a $20 on the table.

Drunk Stripper: “Whatchoo mean?”

Me: “Just stand here and dance like your on the dance floor of a nightclub.”

Drunk Stripper:” Ok, if that’s whatchoo want.”  and she begins dancing or what would be dancing if she wasn’t so drunk.

Me: “Faster. Dance faster.”

She starts doing a dance that made The Ashley SimpsonSaturday Night Live dance looklike ballet. This drunk idiot is flailing around like an epileptic. It was hysterical.

Me: “Faster! come on!”

She tries to go faster then all of a sudden grabs onto the table with one hand and her stomach with the other.

Drunk Stripper:” I think I’m going to be sick.” and she runs off towards the bathroom.

I pick up my $20 from the table and look at my buddy and say “Let’s get out of this dump.” And we do just that.

All in all it was a fun day. I spent about $20 total and got to see a variety of half-naked high school drop-outs humiliate themselves for me. I need to hit the titty bars during day light hours more often!

Out!

Jack

What a fucking day, yesterday was. Most of you that have been reading my blog for any amount of time know that I’m an extremely patient and tolerant man. The sidewalk under my balcony would be covered in chalk outlines if I wasn’t so patient. This is why what happened at my gym yesterday still makes my blood boil. I stick up for myself and I’m the one that gets escorted out of the building and told to never come back. Here’s how the injustice played out:

There is this old guy at my gym. The motherfucker must be pushing 80. He’s on oxygen, can barely walk, the whole 9 yards. Well every day this fucking JERK uses my favorite treadmill. It’s the first one in the cardio room and it faces the TV that has the game show network on it. This selfish prick takes that treadmill because a) He’s too fucking lazy to use one further into the room. b) It has a little stand next to it where he can put his oxygen tank. c) It’s TECHNICALLY a handicapped machine (I didn’t see any handicapped plates on the old man.) d) He obviously LOVES fucking with me. I’ve mentioned to him before that I prefer that machine.

Anyway, I’d had just about enough of him and his Bullshit. I decided to leave my crib a few minutes early so I can have a shot at watching “Press Your Luck” during my workout. I fly into the joint and get changed. I get to the cardio room and see Mr. Magoo dragging his tank to MY treadmill. The fucker is about 5 feet away from it when I sprint past him and jump on.

Me: “Not today motherfucker! ”

Old Man: mumble mumble

Me: “Whatever, tough guy. I think everyone here is sick of your selfish treadmill hogging bullshit.”

Just then this fucking BROAD comes over and starts busting my balls. Totally not conducive to getting my game show watching on.

Dumb Broad: “Leave him alone. What’s wrong with you? blah blah”

Me: “Mind your business, douchebag. This is between MEN. This does not concern dumb whores.”

Dumb broad: “The man is much older than you and obviously sick. There is no need … ”

Me: (to the old man): You need this cunt to fight your battles for you? Pussy!”

Then the fucking psycho broad starts screaming at me and attracting all kinds of attention. Some fucking musclehead dude comes over to jump in. I tell him it’s under control and he can go back to lifting. Get this; The fucking GUY takes HER side! He starts giving me shit about swearing at her. At this point I’m ready to just lose my shit. Then the old man starts talking shit. I felt totally ganged up on. WTF? I get 3 insane fucking people on my shit because I want to watch game shows while I workout on the treadmill THAT I ARRIVED AT FIRST??? How the fuck does that work? Eventually one of the people that work there comes over and restores peace. I’m still steaming but I finish my cardio workout and hit the locker room. I’m too angry to do anything else. One day of not lifting won’t take away from my awesome looks.

I’m down in the locker room getting ready to jump in the shower when I see that fucking musclehead walk in there. Fucking guy walked right past me. Ball-less fucking worm. He goes into the shower room and I wait. As soon as I see him start washing his face, I run up behind him and punch him as hard as I can in the kidney. He didn’t look so tough now lying on the floor of the shower with soap in his eyes clutching his side. Naturally, I start kicking him as I berate him for taking that dumb broad’s side over mine in the dispute with the old selfish dude. I’m just about ready to give him one last boot to the ribs when I get fucking tackled from behind by one of the gym employees. Fucking cheapshot! The next few minutes are a blur as I’m ushered into this office as they talk to the guy on the floor of the shower. Apparently, he didn’t want to press charges against me for assault (Probably understanding that it was justified.) The managers of the gym tells me that my membership is cancelled and I’m not allowed back in. Un fucking real. All of this because of that  fucking old dude and his love of fucking with me. I’m brought into the locker room to get dressed and clean out my locker. While there, I see the not so tough old man packing his stuff up. I just fucking glare at him as I get my shit together. As I walk past him, I say “This is all your fucking fault!” He just jumps back kinda startled. Whatever.

They walk me to my car and read me some shit about if I ever return they’ll press trespassing charges against me. Like I’d want to go back to a gym like that. F THEM. I spin my tires as I leave the parking lot. All done with that place. I decide to go get an ice cream to cheer myself back up after that stressful ordeal. I don’t understand why people can’t just leave me alone. I don’t fuck with anyone. All I want is the same respect.

Jack

I just read a post on my buddy PornAddict’s page about The highly overrated Tera Patrick. His rant included an interview that she did for blackbookmag.com. I’ve never read an interview that made me hate someone as much as I hate that idiotic cunt right now. Her answers were so dumb that I have to imagine that her pea-brained suitcase pimp/poorly tattooed/horrible musician/instantly unlikable/wannabe tough guy boyfriend Evan Seinfeld had to be feeding her the answers. At one point in her career suicide attempt of an interview, she notes that she is a more famous mainstream presence than Jenna Jameson. Huh? Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m no Jenna fan, especially after she got hit in the face with that hand grenade(or whatever happened to her god awful mug), but for Tera Patrick to claim she is better well known outside of porn is ridiculous. She may be better known by shitty bands and their dumb tattoo artist friends. What other stupid statements are going to be coming out of the Patrick/Seinfeld camp? A press release saying that Seinfeld has had a bigger impact musically with his obnoxiously crappy band The Spyderz than The Beatles ever had? Can you stand how fucking awful even the NAME of the band is. Spyderz with A FUCKING Z. What are you guys in the fucking 8th grade? What an emabarrassment.

I think the thing that stood out most for me in this horrible interview was how self important this jizz guzzler is. “I make money using my brain” huh? Interesting. What surgeon transplanted your brain from your head to your overworked cunt? Did he shove a little bit of your cerebellum down your jizz pipe too? You are a filthy fucking whore, and THAT is how you make your money. You are no different or better than a craigslist whore. I don’t care how many times you are on the cover of FHM. You are not on there because you are a brainiac. You are on there because you are famous for letting people make you sticky with their DNA. Jesus Christ, you make me fucking ill. You do understand the difference between getting a dumb award from AVN and getting a diploma from Harvard, don’t you?

 In closing. You and your loser boyfriend fucking suck. You add nothing to society. Please go away.

Hatefully,

Jack