I had the AVN Awards tivo’d and I just got around to watching it. What a disaster that was. There were more retards gathered at that event than were at The Special Olympics. The fucking morons were accepting awards for shit like “Best Creampie Scene” as if it were an Oscar. WTF? They were actually giving speeches thanking people for helping them win that coveted “Best Anal Scene in a Feature”. What planet are these people from? The absolutely worst were the directors and male talent. I’ve never watched any of that typical Hollywood studio porn. I’m glad I haven’t. These directors were coming up to accept awards IN TEARS. Like it was a lifelong dream to finally get some recognition for being the best at shooting tranny porn. The actual most embarressing performace of the night had to go to some male porn goofball named Nick Manning. Apparently his schtick is to say “Dropping Loads” as he busts a nut. At the show he came onto the stage in the middle of another jackasses presentation and Yelled out “Dropping Loads!!!” As if the whole fucking idiot audience was on the edge of their seats all night waiting for this foolish fuck to come out and share that brilliant commentary. I hope when he got backstage someone snuck up behind him and bashed his empty coconut in with a tire iron. I don’t care for him or his stupid saying.

jack

As most of you idiots know, I’ve been out of porn for 2 years. I’ve been fielding offers from several companies to work as a consultant. I finally agreed to help a friend’s company with casting. It seems that they have been having terrible luck with their female talent. I offered to go to one of their casting sessions to see if I could spot the problem. Yes I could.

Problem #1- I arrive at the studio and they have coffee, bottled water, fruit and other comforts available to all the models. Way to set the tone, Fuckheads. Why not just give them all thrones to sit on in the waiting room? These are street skanks looking to get paid for sucking a strangers cock and swallowing his nut butter. Why would you treat them like people?

Problem #2- During the interview the producers actually asked the models “What’s your pay rate?” Awesome.  “How much money would YOU like? I’ll let you decide how I run my business, whore.” What a fucking retard. My first reaction was to karate chop the producer in the throat before he could say anything else. Instead I just gently informed the model that she’ll be paid what I feel is appropriate and if she doesn’t like that, she can go suck cock in the bus station like she belongs.

Problem #3- This one takes the cake. On the model application they ask if the model has any limitations. At first I thought they meant limitations as in “CAN’T” do something. I literally jumped out of my chair and lunged at one of the producers when I found out they meant “Is there anything the model WON’T” do?” Won’t do? Says who? I’ll tell you what you’ll do, whore. Go work at Burger King and tell them you won’t be working the French fry machine today. See how long you last in the glorious world of fast food. You show up where I tell you, do WHAT I tell you and you get paid what I DECIDE.

Apparently, I won’t be needed as a consultant at that shithole company any longer. They chose to go with being soft and catering to the whores instead of being MEN and running their business like people that want to make money. Go live in a commune you fucking hippy fags. Leave porn to real men.

Holy fucking shit. Talk about self destruction. I  just saw some new photos of this formely fine pornslut. Why would someone do that kind of damage to themselves? She looks like she went to a plastic surgeon and said “Can you make me look like the bride of Chuckie?” Speaking of this plastic surgeon. What tools did he use? A scalpel and a landmine? For the love of God, have a little pride in your work, Doc. I could have done a better job on her face if I hit it with the business end of a shovel. Also, What’s the deal with her new guy, the dude from the UFC. Are they dating or is she his sparring partner? Can you be a MMA fighter and be legally blind? Maybe fucking her just makes him mad enought to get into the ring and beat people up. I honestly would not fuck that ugly bitch now. Not even to say I fucked Jenna Jameson. Why would I? That’s like banging Liz Taylor right now and saying “remember that chick from National Velvet? I banged her?” Big fucking deal. She looks like a pile of laundry with a wig on it. 

Jack

What happened to all of the parents in America? Where did you all go? Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you’re gone. It just allows your daughters to get in touch with their inner whore. If candid photos of teenage whores was currency, America would be having it’s greatest economical boon ever. When I was 18 it was kind of a big deal to get the occasional peak at a nipple if one of the hot chicks in my class bent over with a loose shirt on. These teens today are spoiled. You log onto any myspace, facebook or photobucket page and it seems like showing your clam is mandatory according to the site’s terms of service. I just saw a photobucket that had some 21 year old girl taking about 14 different facials. This is in her PUBLIC section. What the fuck does she have in the private section? Her blowing a giraffe? I’m also seeing a ton of sites that allow you to submit pictures of your girlfriends& exgirlfriends. realgf.com is my favorite.  To this I say “awesome.” To all you young whores out there. Who cares about the future! Show us your tits now. Nobody will tell!

I love punk rock. The Ramones, The Sex Pistols, Black Flag, Dead Kennedys and my favorite band of all time, The Clash. I even like some of the newer generation like punk bands Rancid, Green Day and Bad Religion. I also love hot little punker chicks. I get a call a few days ago from a friend of mine. He tells me that some slut that shot for Burning Angel and Gods Girls is looking for some hardcore work. I tell him to send her over today. She shows up in full punk attire which is hot. What wasn’t as hot was the 25 piercings in her otherwise adequate mug. It seriously looked as though someone chucked a full jewelry box at her face. I immediately tell her that if she wants to shoot she better get her ass into the bathroom and take that shit out of her face. She said “Gods Girls doesn’t have a problem with my piercings.” Now, anyone knows me knows that I’m a very patient man. They also know that one thing that sets me off is back talk from some dumpster diving cunt. I calmly tell her that either the piercings go or her front teeth do. She retreats to the can and proceeds to get ready for the shoot. I throw on a CD while I get ready to shoot some stills. I decide on Rocket to Russia by The Ramones. At this point I’m looking forward to nailing this bitch. She comes out of the bathroom and I start giving her some instructions when everything comes unglued. She looks at me and says “Who is this band?” At that moment “Sheena is a Punk Rocker” is playing. It takes a second for the question to register. “Did you just ask me who is playing the song “Sheena is a Punk Rocker?” She says “Yeah I kinda like it.” I’m not 100% sure what happened in the minute or so following that. All I remember is seeing red. When I regained my composure She was sitting on the couch sobbing “sorry sorry sorry” over and over again and there were pieces of what was once a chair all over my apartment. The rest of the shoot was pretty uneventful. She WAS a great piece of ass.

Jack

I’m going to a BBQ today. I’m gonna drink and then I’m going to drive on home. What of it, Pussies? Let’s all drink and drive today! They can’t arrest us all!

I’m back, bitches. Miss me? I’ve been away for 2 glorious years. No filthy skanks. No money grubbing whores. No shooting porn. It was paradise. But I’m back. I’m here as a public service to other members of the porn community. I’m also here to be of service to the members of the porn buying world. You see, porn has taken a turn for the worse.

Everything is so cookie cutter right now. Porn webmasters don’t seem to treat these new pornstars the way they deserve to be treated. Sure big sites like Bangbros have the money to pay top dollar for good looking whores, but that is no reason to treat them with respect and dignity. When I want to empty my balls to some internet porn, I want reality. I want treatment no better than the boys at Facial Abuse give their “models.” I don’t care if the model is a perfect “10” blonde with big tits and blue eyes. We all know that it’s what is on the inside that counts. We also know that on the inside of little Miss Perfect is a self-hating, drug addicted attention whore that had her private parts explored by her favorite uncle when she was 14.

Knowing all that, Playboy wants to spray mist on her and have her pose naked in the woods? Why? Give her $100 to get DP’d by 2 black dudes without condoms on. She’s worth at least that. In the coming months I’ll be bringing you sites that deliver the goods on these bitches. Even if I have to shoot this shit myself.

- Jack