I went out of town to visit a buddy of mine this weekend. His idea of showing me a good time was taking me to a titty bar. I don’t generally relax and have a good time at titty bars. I’m usually inpatient and angry. I deal with enough dumb whores when I’m shooting. I don’t need to have them running around like little perfumed rats, trying to hustle me for a few bucks.
Anyway, we go to this club. I think the name of it was “Club Stupidity” or something like that. We walk in and pay the cover charge which was $5.00. Once inside, there is a sign that says “Nude Room $10.” What? What the fuck was the first $5 for? “The Personality Room?” This set me off but I was determined to try to make it out of there without punching someone. We start up the stairs to the “Nude Room” when everything changed. It was like God was sending me a sign that this weekend was actually going to be OK. As we walk up the stairs, there is a blonde whore walking down talking on her cellphone. She looks over at us and smiles and just as she does, she steps on the bottom of her robe and tumbles down the stairs like a fucking slinky! I don’t think her melon missed a single step. I laughed my balls off! As a few people came running over to help her, me and my buddy took the opportunity to waltz into the nude room for free! Good things happen to good people!
I sit down at a table while my buddy grabs us a couple of drinks. A stripper comes over and starts gabbing with me like I came here for the conversation.
Whore Stripper: “Did you see Brianna fall down the stairs?”
Me: “I don’t know who Brianna is, but I did see some blonde whore take a header a few minutes ago.”
Whore Stripper: “Do you think she’ll be ok?”
Me: “I’m no doctor, but I’d have to say who gives a fuck?’ Why? Is she the only whore here that can dance?”
Whore Stripper: “We’re not whores AND I’m and excellent dancer.”
Me: “How would I know, all you’ve done is talk my fucking ear off for the past 5 minutes. Get your tits out or get gone.”
The fucking dummy gets all huffy and turns and walks away.
Me: “Apparently, I’m not supposed to want to see TITS in a TITTY BAR. So sorry I offended you, Your Majesty!” I yell to her as she stomps off like a little brat.
Just then my buddy returns with the booze. Thank God. we start shooting the shit when a pretty hot whore goes onto one of the side stages. She’s about 5′ 9″ 120lbs and great tits. I walk over for a closer look and as I approach, I notice she has fucking zits on her face. Like 4 of them. Unreal. She sees me approaching and starts doing her stripper smile thingy. I just look at her and point ot her face and say “Nope.” and put my cash back in my pocket. I’ll tip when she invests in some Stridex Pads. I will say this though, the look on her pimply face was priceless when I she realized I wasn’t going to tip her. Her FAKE smile turned into a REAL frown in less than a second. I think I got a little hard from that. I went and sat back down and chilled out and started working on my buzz.
As we sat there, whores would come occasionally come by and try to hustle for dances and drinks. They had no luck with that. We were there for maybe 2 hours when I notice this one whore has been pounding drinks down since we got there. She was a short little Hispanic chick. Not too bad looking. By now she is fucking loaded. I look over at her drunk ass and nod for her to come over and sit with us. She staggers over and sits down and announces that she’s fucked up. (Thanks. We didn’t notice, dip shit.)
Me: “I’d like a dance.”
Drunk Stripper: “Ok, baby. Let’s go to a booth.”
Me: “No. Right here. I don’t want you to dance on me. I want you to dance FOR me. Right here.” as I put a $20 on the table.
Drunk Stripper: “Whatchoo mean?”
Me: “Just stand here and dance like your on the dance floor of a nightclub.”
Drunk Stripper:” Ok, if that’s whatchoo want.” and she begins dancing or what would be dancing if she wasn’t so drunk.
Me: “Faster. Dance faster.”
She starts doing a dance that made The Ashley SimpsonSaturday Night Live dance looklike ballet. This drunk idiot is flailing around like an epileptic. It was hysterical.
Me: “Faster! come on!”
She tries to go faster then all of a sudden grabs onto the table with one hand and her stomach with the other.
Drunk Stripper:” I think I’m going to be sick.” and she runs off towards the bathroom.
I pick up my $20 from the table and look at my buddy and say “Let’s get out of this dump.” And we do just that.
All in all it was a fun day. I spent about $20 total and got to see a variety of half-naked high school drop-outs humiliate themselves for me. I need to hit the titty bars during day light hours more often!
Out!
Jack
