The first sign of fall has arrived. The students have returned to school! I know this because of an annual ritual that happens when they return from their summer vacation. Upon return I’m usually awoken by a phone call from a dumb sophmore, who was a dumb freshman last year that answered one of my ads when she needed money. The dumb whore calls to ask me to take her photos or videos down from whatever site they are on because she regrets doing them. I usually inform her that I regret nothing and will not be taking them down. Here is how this mornings exchange went.
:::phone rings:::
Jack: What?
Dumbwhore: Hi Jack, this is Kimberly blah blah. You may remember me from last December, we-
Jack: I do not.
Dumbwhore: ok. well. I worked with you as a model. (pause) I answered an ad.
Jack: Get to the point or you’ll be talking to a dial tone in 5 seconds.
Dumbwhore: I did a porno with you in December and I want you to remove it from the website it’s on.
Jack: I will not.
Dumbwhore: But I really wish I didn’t do it. I just needed the money for school and Christmas. Plus my boyfriend from home found out blah blah blah
Jack: I find your regret and shame very arrousing but I’m still going to have to say no. In fact, I think I may have to make you model of the month for waking me up. You’ll be heavily promoted! You’ll be a star!
Dumbwhore: Please! Please don’t do that! I’ll give you the money back that you paid me. I have $100 right now!
Jack: If I hadn’t given you that $100 I would have invested it in Google stock or something and it would probably be worth $2500 by now. I wouldn’t even entertain selling your scene back to you for less that that. Even then I’m not sure I could part with it.
A this point the dummy is just crying, so I hang up on her and seize the moment and lay there basking in the glow of her shame. Then the phone rings again.
Jack: What?
Dumbwhore: jack, if I can get you the $2500 will you remove the scene?
Jack: The $2500 will only cover what I paid you. I need more for pain and suffering. The only thing I take for my pain and suffering will be your pain and suiffering. Because I’m a gentleman and I know you are in a tough spot, here is the deal. You pay me $2500 and you agree to come by and blow me once a week for the entire school year and I have it removed today. If you miss a visit, you lose the $2500 and the video is posted again.
Dumbwhore: Can’t I just give you the money and call it even? You only paid me $100!
Jack: In 5 seconds I will be hanging up and the offer is off the table. Forever.
Dumbwhore: You’re a fucking asshole! Ok take it down!
Jack: Nice doing business with you!
Maybe the porn industry isn’t dead. I think people just need to be creative in how they make money!
I’m going back to bed, you fucking jerks!
