I get a call this morning from last week’s irresponsible whore gia jordan. “Jack, I wrote my blog post!” I think she was expecting me to stop what I was doing and organize a parade for her because she actually followed through on something (3 days late as it were.)

Me:Too late. You let me down. You let my readers down. You let YOUR fans down. No post. No guest blogging.

Irresponsible whore gia jordan: I know I fucked up. I apologized. Come on.

Me: You made me look bad. And it takes a lot to make someone as awesome as me look bad.

Irresponsible whore gia jordan: yeah I know. I’ll make it up to you. I just want a shot to write for IHW. PLEASE?

Me: even though I’m annoyed as fuck, I’m going to do it because my readers were looking forward to it (for some odd reason.)

Irresponsible whore gia jordan: Yay! blah blah blah blah

So folks here it is.

The Whore Report with gia jordan

I have never understood the concept of a suitcase pimp. Yesterday, I shot a model who contacted me for photography. Upon arrival, a guy in tons of silver jewelry and a black TapOut shirt with enough rhinestones on it to bedazzle Bulgaria steps out of the car with her. She looks amazing and so does the rate she’s paying me. I greet her warmly and give the superfluous guy a courtesy handshake. We grab her bags and follows us up the elevator and into the shoot. I tell him it was nice meeting him then turn to the model and suggest selecting outfits. He crouches down into the open suitcase and helps her shift through many ziplock bags stuffed with lingerie. “Well, it was nice meeting you,” I reiterate. He doesn’t budge. I tell him this is a closed set. The set being my living room, of course.

The whore looks up. At this point, she is a whore. Though porn people refer to all women as whores and porn girls refer to each other as whores colloquially and just as casual as rappers call each other the n word, my patience says now says differently. The whore says, “He helps me.” Hon, unless he helps you open your mouth for you on the ATM, he isn’t helping you. The whore will ALWAYS defend her suitcase pimp. She believes they are a team.

Allow me to translate whore/suitcase pimp into English.

“He’s my assistant.” = “He picks up his weed that I pay for while I sleep all day.”

“He owns his own business.” = “He doesn’t work.”

“He’s a DJ.” = “I did a scene in exchange for the director’s used turn tables.”

“He’s my webmaster.” = “He’s taken my website from a splash page to a MySpace page in the rapid succession of 7 months!”

Captain and Tennille was a team. You are not a team. It is extremely unprofessional to allow random people on set and does nothing but hinder the whore’s career. When I was a whore, I didn’t come to my boyfriend’s work and watch him type, so why should he come to mine and watch me fuck?

I put on the female charm and bat my eyelashes. “Sweetie, will you do us a big favor a favor and make a Starbucks run for us?” This diversion usually works, especially when I guide them to the Starbucks four Starbucks’ away which takes up even more time due to a series of left hand turns plus street parking. In Gay Town. West Hollywood represent! SP isn’t buying it. He balks and says he always stays for safety reasons. Safety reasons?! I’M A CHICK! Even if I was a guy, guess what, moron? No one wants to fuck with your precious cargo. Porn is a business, and like all businesses, we just want you people gone before Entourage comes on. I inform him on my SP policy. Everyone on my set works. They are either modeling or assisting.

“Ok, That I can do. I’m also a photographer. Hey, are those Kinos?”

“Listen Richard Avedon, you’ll be using this.” I hand him a bucket and mop. He says no way. The whore looks forlorn and heads towards the bathroom. Thankfully, I locked up my Kiehls and Creme de la Mer. My bathroom is like a day spa.

He threatens to high tail it all the way back to San Diego as he points outside to HER white C class Mercedes with rims. HAHAHA! She had to buy the horse for her knight in shining armor.

The whore emerges into the room in her whore gear and calms him down. Something about reminding him that all this content will make her the next Jenna. We have a fabulous shoot and I now have a sparkling clean kitchen floor.

gia